a dilemma i have never gotten out of.
i know what you're thinking: "why a full on website? you could use [platform] to post your depressive rants!" and to that I say: i don't know. i wanted to make something and have some semblance of productivity, so here's a website with the bare minimum amount of customization.
anyways, i'll keep from rambling too much and get to the point:
i am literally torn between two paths to follow in my life:
A. stand still and continue to wait for the day where everything becomes possible again for me while remaining envious of everyone in my life is doing leagues better.
or
B. end it all and put me out of my misery.
let me explain these options in detail; make it easier for you to also understand the depths of this dilemma.
the general consensus
my whole life i have lived in awe and envy of my siblings. they all have friends, they get to go out, they all have jobs, they all graduated, they all have confidence, and... for sake of continuity, we'll stop there. and yet, i have nothing. i have tried to get something, time and time again, but i always fail because there's always something that gets in the way of my success. my failures are usually thanks to one of the following: my lack of confidence, my myriad of mental disabilites, my lack of communication skills, my lack of real-world experience, and so on and so forth. and whenever i try to talk about my problems to the only people in my life, it feels like nobody understands the reality of my situation: there's either a cosmic effort currently in place to fuck me over, or i am literally incapable of winning. while they [my family] may have their struggles, they have a means to escape. nobody. and i mean NOBODY in my life is in a remotely similar situation than me, and yet I keep hearing bullshit responses as to how it can get better: "There are things you have to do...", "Just keep trying...", "It'll get better...", and something that makes me wanna fucking rip out my hair every time i hear it; anything in reference to a particular entity's [god's] plan.
don't get me wrong, i don't want to be in this position. i want to get better. but every plan i have made to get better requires something i struggle to give consistently. i lost the ability to mask my problems, they will make themselves known one way or another. and because of that, any interview i have taken has crashed and burned into a fiery mess, leaving me unemployed and unable to fianance a possible treatment regime.
it was alluded earlier in my life that i could get some treatment for my problems, but since i'm writing this you can guess how that's going. but i can't complain about it without feeling conflicted. guilt for knowing our situation, but rage for the exceptions made. which is why i feel obligated to stay quiet, because while i wanna say something, i don't know what to say. this mentality ties into the first option in my grim dilemma.
OPTION 1. standing still
by standing still, i can't fuck up. by standing still, i can't disappoint. by standing still, i can continue to reform this ruined delusion that everything is and will be okay. the veil was lifted a while ago, but on the other side isn't a beautiful or even tolerable face, but a depressing truth to the situation i am in. every (metaphorical) move i make, be it slight or grand, ends in the mixture of demotivation and exhaustion exploding in my chest and spreading thorughout my whole body, leaving me in a state of incapability.
i was told to idolize the little victories to remedy this, but no human would look at a cluster of saplings and say "wow, what a bountiful harvest. this will surely be enough to sustain me." while also watching as their neighbors harbor an entire months worth of crops in their homes. i don't want to mooch off of others and have nothing to give in return, but i don't wanna starve either. rather than making a decision, i could stand still. watch painfully as my handful of crops slowly, slowly grow. some wither away, and the count is increasing as we speak. i don't wanna starve, but i have nothing to give...
that's just metaphors and stuff. to translate: i don't know what to do to help myself. i have tried, but nothing comes close to what everyone else can accomplish. but i can't ask, because i'm scared to ask. i taught myself to never ask, and only to rely on myself as i am the only person who understands what i need...
ironically, i am poisoning myself.
i am starving myself.
i am hurting myself.
but i don't want to die. and yet i hate living...
so...
OPTION 2. ending my misery
to the point made in the last option, i am scared of asking for help. for asking anything period. i cry at the first sign of disapproval, and will begin ugly-crying when everything starts getting rough. everything has ended with a mental breakdown, and it is fucking humiliating. i hate being weak, but i am so damn frail the wind is enough to rock me. why must i keep insisting that i am capable of doing anything when i am 20 and still don't have fucking anything? the proof is written in fucking blood on the wall: THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. i am setting myself up for failure by insisting that there is something i can do. feels like the snake eating itself, or the meme with a bike rider and a stick and the stick is put into the wheel. it's no cycle, it's a spiral. and soon enough i'm gonna spiral a knife into my skull, ensuring i'm cannot force myself to keep doing this shit...
there must be a third option...right?
what do you think? my only options are nothing and something. something almost immediately becomes nothing, and i end up hurt in the end.
so this is my departing message:
infinity is simply two cycles that intersect with one another. at least from a top-down view.